Some other things that might help:
1) Give it a flavorful short description instead of just saying it's your first RP and telling people to ask questions, etc. Actually summarize your game concept in a sentence or two. That short description is the first thing people see, so it can make you or break you. If people aren't hooked by it, they're not likely to click on your game.
2) A longer description isn't necessarily a better description. Thorough information can be good, but it's not always what you need. Walls of text can actually turn people off (though there are people who are still willing to go with them; it just depends on whether you think your RP description benefits from a lot of text). While you could certainly expand beyond what you've got now, I don't think you need to make it super long. Just try to cover all your bases and give the players all the information they need.
3) Break your description up into multiple paragraphs. It'll be easier on the eyes, and one paragraph should discuss one idea. I suggest two paragraphs like this:
Long ago, a poem was written, describing the nature and personifying the seasons, and has been kept throughout history because it accurately represents them. The Deities are four siblings, each representing a season, who keep balance and guided humanity through dark times. They began to look up to them so much that each developed their own faction and following who had customs and traits revolving around their patron. In every settlement, there were four sectors, one for each faction, no matter what, and although they were separate, they had festivals and meetings which kept them together.The Deities have a special form of Angels who are loyal to them, known as Servants, they have special Magical powers and help deliver their messages. However, some become known as Corrupts, who go mad and are cast down to Earth, stripped of their authority. Here, they begin making offers with humans. Humans always want to be like their Patron, to a point where it is childish and ridiculous, for some. They begin making deals with the Corrupts, promising their souls and freedom to them so they can turn them into something more like...them. They can be summoned and used at any time by the Corrupts, to a point where whole labor factories are built for the humans are to work in! Now, some humans have begun to travel in small groups with each other, seeking their Four Deities so as to restore balance...
4) Clarify what the players' characters' purpose and goals will be going into this game. I think you intend players to play the humans looking for their gods, but I'm not really sure about that. Could players be workers in the Corrupts' factory? Could players play Corrupts, too? If the answer is yes to all counts, how are you going to tie them together so that action can occur?
5) What's the poem's significance? You mention it and just kind of drop it. Is it considered some kind of holy artifact? Either way, is it ever going to be important in the game? If not, you might consider changing the intro, even cutting that first sentence. When you start out talking about the poem, I expect that it's going to be important in some way, but it never seems to.
Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/RolePlayGateway/~3/pRuWBraz7n0/viewtopic.php
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