bedeck imploring: October is Domestic Violence Month

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

October is Domestic Violence Month | JenningsWire

When I meet new clients, I always ask about whether or not they have been subjected to domestic violence.

Sometimes they say no, but later reveal that in their families, past relationships, or current relationships there is yelling, pushing, or controlling behaviors. I am surprised at how many people still don?t understand that THIS IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Since October is Domestic Violence Month, I?d like to take the time to explain what is meant by ?domestic violence? so that people who are experiencing it, know of others who are experiencing it, or are perpetrating it can see it for what it is and perhaps take steps to stop it.

Let?s start with a definition.

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors by one partner against another in an intimate relationship. This includes any emotional, financial, sexual, and physical abuse or neglect designed to exert control over the another. (Abuse can be mutual). Examples of abusive behaviors are things like:

name calling
humiliation
preventing you from going where you want to go
isolating you from others
controlling your access to money and/or transportation
denying or discouraging you from having a work, school or social life
making threats against you or your children
using looks, threats, or yelling to intimidate or control you
punching, kicking, pushing, biting, or choking
displaying weapons
hurting pets
smashing or destroying things
using religion, culture or male dominance to justify having power over you
blaming you for causing the abuse
denying you access to food, medicine, or sleep
forcing you to have sex when or in ways you don?t want to

One reason why some people don?t see themselves as victims of domestic violence is because there is no hitting.

Violence doesn?t have to be physical to be damaging.

If even one of the things listed above is happening in your relationship, it?s time to get help. Healthy relationships are equal partnerships where both people share power and responsibility.

Still not sure if your relationship is healthy? Here are more clues.

The cycle of abuse starts with a honeymoon phase.

Relationships tend to move very fast and start off like a fairy tale. Abusers tend to be very charming and skilled at making the victim feel very special and loved. Next the tension builds. It starts with little irritations and communication breaks downs. The victim feels like she?s walking on eggshells and feels responsible for smoothing things over. The tension becomes too much and an explosion happens. This could be verbal, sexual or physical. When it?s all over the abuser is very apologetic and promises never to do it again. There are usually excuses that blame the victim. The abuser gives gifts, says things or does things that are usually quite grand and makes things alright again. A period of calm follows where the abuser seems to be honoring the promise to change. Then the cycle begins all over again.

If this sounds like your relationship, help is available. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They can point you to local resources that can help you find a support group, create a safety plan, learn about protective orders, learn about pressing charges, get financial help for medical bills related to assault, find emergency shelter, or just learn more about domestic violence. Talking to someone doesn?t mean you have to leave the relationship. That?s up to you, but it can be the first step to having a healthy future.

Laura Giles?is a contributing blogger for?JenningsWire.

Laura Giles, LCSW

http://www.lauragiles.net

Laura Giles, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker whose passion is helping people to discover their own inner beauty and strength so that they can achieve their dreams and become empowered to solve their own problems. Laura is the author of The Other Child: Children of Affairs. She has contributed to the best selling series Wake Up! and One Page Wisdom. Laura Giles has also appeared as an expert guest on radio talk shows across the country and also in newspapers and magazines such as The Daily Herald (Chicago), New You, The Journal Gazette, Almeda Times-Star, Tacoma News Tribune, and East West Woman.